Relevant — adj
The most common buzzword used by churches to describe themselves.
God — noun
A common exclamatory word found in most movies. Often used as a prefix to damn.
Jesus — noun
A word more likely to be heard as an exclamation in a movie than as a person in a sermon.
Tolerant – adj.
Accepting, agreeing, and championing a certain point of view or lifestyle.
Emergent — adj.
A group arising from the traditional church which understands scripture better than the less enlightened, older generation.
Fundamentalist — noun
Someone who strictly adheres to the Bible and tells other people about it.
Syn. — bigot, fascist
Worship — noun
Singing, clapping and waving your hands for twelve minutes once a week. Usually accompanied by lights, cameras, smiling people and an orchestra.
Church — noun
A big building which is occupied 1/7 of the time. Usually includes one steeple, two crosses, a stage and many open seats.
Tithe – noun
1. Other people giving money for the support of the church.
2. The act performed by others which leads to free food and events.
3. The most common excuse given for people leaving church.
Disclaimer: This is satire!

Kids — are you still in the process of deciding which career you want to choose? Or have you finished college and chosen the wrong one? In either situation, this quick guide will help you match your skills to a new career.
Are you constantly wrong? Do you always seem to bet for the team that loses? And do you wish you could have a job where it’s okay to be wrong? Then TV Weatherman is for you. They’re never right.
Do you like to eat? And do you like people who know what good food is and cherish the experience? Then you should work for a church. They know what a lunch break is.
Do some people say that your are a habitual liar? Can you say one thing to a person and completely change your opinion when you talk to the next? Then you should be a lawyer. They never tell the truth.
Do you struggle getting any work done? Can you never seem to complete a task? And does the efficiency of other workers baffle you? Then you should be a bureaucrat. They never get anything done.
Do you struggle making difficult decisions? Do you struggle making any decisions? Do you want to please everyone? Then you should be a politician. They can never decide anything without a poll.
Do you feel like the world hates you? Do you feel like you are the step-child of the entire world? And do you feel like making sure that the world knows that it’s not your fault? Then you should be the mayor of New Orleans. He can’t decide whether to blame Bush or God for the damage.
Do you like for people to give you money? Do you care for the people that give you money? And do you often stick your foot in your mouth? Then you should be a Televangelist. They can’t decide whether to do good things or say stupid things.
Do you like functional things? Do you want to make sure the world works correctly? And do you dislike attractive and pleasing things? Then you should be an engineer. Their creations may work, but they sure are ugly.
Do you like to frustrate people? Do you wish to leave your footprint on the lives of people everyday? Do you want to make them stare at your handiwork every morning and afternoon? Then you should be a traffic engineer. Everyday you sit and stare at three colors of their creation: green, yellow and red.
Do you like power? Do you like to see fear in people’s eyes? Then you should be a traffic police officer. They love to flip on those lights and that siren.
And lastly, do you know it all? Or do you think you know it all? Can you comment about every subject known to man, think you’re right, but still be wrong? Then you should be a journalist. They never tell the whole story.

Effective 20 September 2005, all residents of the gulf coast were mandated to leave. This mandated evacuation covers all regions from the Florida Keys to Brownsville, Texas. FEMA and local officials have made it a priority to limit the loss of human life in the event that Rita actually strikes land.
Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans has expressed great praise at this latest event, saying, “I think it’s finally time that the federal government got their act together. When Katrina hit, no one had any idea what was going on, and I think it showed. This time we have a strong federal presence and will definitely limit the loss of life. I certainly believe that this is an indication of leadership from the Bush administration.”
R. David Paulison, Acting Under Secretary of FEMA expressed similar praise today, “I’m so glad we got this one right. In spite of the fact that this is the largest mandated evacuation in human history, things are going surprisingly well. So far, only thirty people have died in car accidents as a result of the evacuation; and only a handful of the 8 millions folks are angry. And Carlos over in Commerce (the Secretary of Commerce, Carlos Gutierrez) is so pleased to have another boon to the travel industry. Hotels as far north as Chicago are booked solid.”
Naysayers are having a great time mocking the Bush administration again. Al Gore was quoted yesterday as saying, “this is another indication of global warming and it’s a darn shame that Bush can’t figure it out. If the Bush administration would put half of the money they are using to fund the evacuation, then we can forever blot out these blemishes we call hurricanes. But it just shows that Bush doesn’t care and that he’s just not very smart. And until he figures it out, Mother Nature is going to keep punishing us on his behalf.”
Pat Robertson issued a similar statement: “It is another punishment from God that this hurricane will strike us. And I think it’s odd that it appears this hurricane is dead set on Houston, Texas…the same place where all the evacuees went. It’s like they really did something bad and are getting double punishment.”
The Bush Administration distanced itself from Robertson’s statement; as did Robertson, who later recanted, saying, “You would think I would get tired of that nasty taste of my foot in my mouth…yet I repeatedly put it back there. At any rate, I didn’t say it, but if I did, I’m sorry.”
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton also announced this in a joint press release:

This, once again, is a heinous display of the racist nature of our current administration. They simple do not care for minorities–especially African Americans. The fact that they are demanding that everyone leave is not fair. So many folks will lose everything they as a result of it, and we fully expect the government to reimburse all of the victims because of this act of racism.

Pundits across the media and talk radio have also questioned the sanity of this evacuation. But in the end, we are shown pictures of screaming children, and we are reminded that this is all for the children. And because of that, we weep and agree with what’s happening. And we even pray that the government helps us more because they can do so much for the kids.
Meteorologists have expressed with exact certitude that the storm will hit within the evacuated areas. This has all but assured President Bush that his decision to evacuate was the right choice: “This will save many many people who have limited abilities to make decisions. And because I’m compassionate and we care for people, this was the only thing we could do. We’re glad that so little life has been lost so far, and we pray that the storm causes little damage. But we know that if it does, the American people will come together as they always have, and rebuild the entire coast in a way that was better than before. And rest assured, the federal government will spare no expense in the rebuilding of our coast.”
Hurricane Rita is exepected to hit land on Saturday. Until then, we’ll just have to wait and see.